Rigorous
Volume Four, Issue 2



Self-Portrait - 5.2.2019

Héctor Castañeda


             (Here I am, broken and newly reborn. I’m learning how to be myself amidst a cacophonic peace.)

                           Now, in this sitting moment
            I'm dancing through hallways of the house in my mind
            Looking for fluid darkness already flowing inside my own cathedrals
            My body is not a temple, it is something much more divine; a breathing organism.
            Divinity my cells hold amount to more than my own soul
                           Do they?
            Where is the line drawn between who will become more God than what is incomparable?
                           But waves reflecting moonlight remind me
            I’ve learned enough tonight from moments that do not shine
            Beauty is really just pain, realphabetized into an etymology of golden ichor blood over fractures,
            broken into a ghost of the word "perfect"
                           And the same could be said for
            the house inside my brain I've learned to architecture from dripping dark seething out my pores
                           The moon taught us all
                                                                                       She always has
                                                                                   Been a reminder, radiance
                phasing magnificence
            Just like my every wake and wane and                 window pane and pain and
            How everything can become it:               -PAIN-
            The one thing that will destroy so mercilessly it will amnesia your restful
            Make you forget you can phoenix the atom bomb in your heart
            Because all I can ever do is wait the moment I will run
            3, 2, 1
            And GO!
            As the strings fire, they ice their way in disguise
            To pass through and Trojan Horse the strings so tightly woven vertically across my face
            They are unlearning unnecessary tension when all else seems to threaten
            I can break through
            I know I can
            I just need a breaking so graceful you’d think I planned how I’d be reborn, cycle once more
            Unwind me! I know the mirror can
            He has my same hands to slowly peel my skin
            (The same pen as well)
            The same feet to get back up onto
            I take myself apart like no lover dreamed they could
            Undo myself so carefully pieces could be resealed in a single origami-precise sleight of hand
                            like I was telling myself to stay put this entire time in my stagnant wholeness
            The boldest self-surgery you have ever fucking seen
            I can love myself back into radiance
            Back into ease of internal flow
            Back into remembering, back into loving my otherness to re-become a shred of divine
            Worship is called back into the prayer
            As if there were not any divinity before
            But I remember all the music after the “Amen”
            All the harmony before “Amen-Ra” lost its sun
            The sun shone before we ever fucking named it
            No-
[-thing, -where]
                  -name could ever confine me
            No syllable or lack thereof could ever define me
            No ocean could ever not remind,                        and {un...|          do (you remember what birthed first?)
            She. Earth.
            She is a home from explosions, universe says.
            When will humanity learn to silence our own eruptive detonations?
            Of external, inter-ternal war
            I’m still outpouring all the explosion in myself...
                        I’m still sitting, dancing in that internal house.
            Cathedral body phoenixed into moonlit loose strings
            I observe this new lunar self-alchemy,
            new potential mosaic quilt
            of my every internal resynthesis
            In silence.
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            .
            How to knit myself and the world back together at the same time?



Héctor Castañeda: "I am a poet, music producer, singer-songwriter, graphic designer, event curator, gardener, UCSC junior, and much more. I consider myself a jack of all trades, rooting myself in as many meaningful connections as possible. I come from San José and a proud, hard-working family of immigrants. My writing and musical themes often touch on intuition, ancestral energy, linguistics, surrealism, religion, color, organized chaos, metaphysicality, (in)harmony, philosophy, queerness, biology, marginalized bodies; the rewritten and unwritten. I’m a shapeshifting chameleon night owl bellowing into the oceanic void, constantly phoenixing the architecture of my body. My web site is https://tinyurl.com/ddaomusic."




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